Send me Baby Dust!!

I haven't blogged in a while things have been a little tough on me since my ectopic.


So this past week I took 5 days of Clomid. This is the first round of Clomid I have been able to take since my ectopic pregnancy 6 months ago. That is a long time to not be able to TTC! So far Clomid has worked to get us pregnant we have just have problems getting it to stick or it stuck but not in the right place. Out of the 4 times we've used Clomid we've gotten pregnant so I'd say our chances are pretty good compared to other that have used Clomid. I just pray we get pregnant and the baby implants in my uterus and I do not miscarry. As soon as I get a positive result I will be put on Prometrium to keep my Progesterone levels up. When I hit 2000 HCG I'll get my first ultrasound. This next pregnancy will be treated as a high risk. That actually gives me comfort to know that I'll have excellent care to insure a good pregnancy. I just pray pray pray that we get pregnant! I don't know how much more heartbreak I can endure. Everyone is having sweet little babies and I just want it to be my time. We are settling into a house at the beginning of December so I feel this is the perfect time to finally have our little bundle of joy. Everything in our life seems amazing right now and seems like it is going the direction we want it. I just want this to happen for us too!  


SO PLEASE, PLEASE SEND ME SOME BABY DUST!!

Send lots of baby dust.. secretly(not really so secretly) I want twins! 

My babies..

These are the only babies I have for now.... my 8 week old Shih Tzu named Rudy that my hubby got me for our Anniversary next month. And our 2 year old Siamese cat named Leo.

The blessings... and the pain...

I know I am truly blessed but sometimes life sucks! Why why why... do people have to be blessed with child and never be able to meet that child? I know too too too many great people and myself that have gone through this.. and NONE of them deserved it! I lost my first baby back in December they would have been 6 months 3 weeks in vitro. Then again I lost another one recently. She would have been 14weeks in vitro due to ectopic this one had to be medically ended.. Why is life like this sometimes? The pain never ever leaves. How can we move on from this? The answer... we really don't...

Another update

So I had my levels checked again on Tuesday morning. Last week after my trip to the ER my hcg levels were at about 1650. As of yesterday they are at 250. That means no surgery! :) That is a relief. We still have to wait about 6 months before we can try to get pregnant again. In the mean time I am sticking with my work out. I was actually able to bring our treadmill back into the house. We had a piano that belongs to my husbands grandmother and after her stroke she is unable to play any longer and the piano was just collecting dust and taking up space. So... I've been trying to get rid of it for a few months, and Finally decided to put it up on craigslist. Two mins after posting it I got quite a few replies, to the point where about 10 mins later I had to take the posting down while I discussed details with the first 2 people that replied. I few hours later the first replier loaded it into his truck and we had space in our living room again. That is where my treadmill landed after being cleaned up. Feels nice to be active again. My goal is to lose about 50lbs in these next 6 months. I would like to fit into my favorite clothes and to feel comfortable in my own body. And it will actually help our baby making progress. :)  Lets hope I can stick to it and actually drop these pounds off quickly. I hate how this PCOS has ruined my old body, I honestly don't know how I managed to gain all this weight. I've never been a big eater or snacker. We shall see! Hopefully just the treadmill will help. 

Happy Blogging!

Diana Maria

Update

I haven't blogged in the last week because not much going on here. Dealing with a lot of pain from the ectopic pregnancy. My dr says its normal as long as I'm not bleeding heavy. I had more blood work done last Monday after my trip to the Er. My levels had gone down a bit. I go to my dr  again on Monday to check my levels yet again. That will continue until my levels are at Zero. So my ER trip was last weekend and with all the needles they were bound to blow out one of my veins huh? Well the did on my left hand. I look like someone one beat me, but only my left hand. We shouldn't try for another 6 months. I believe at the point when it is safe to try again we will be sent to Seattle Reproductive Medicine to make sure there isn't any further concerns as to why I can conceive but am not able to have a normal pregnancy thus far. We know what will get me pregnant so that is a wonderful thing. Now just to keep myself pregnant. Maybe I need to lose some weight and that will help?  I just really don't know what to do to lose weight considering I am stuck in the house most of the day because I care for my husbands grandmother. We have a treadmill but there is no room in the house so it is stuck out in the shed. I need to figure out something to do that will actually give me results. We tried P90X it just wasn't a program I was interested in. I miss being active. I would love to be thin again! I feel this weight is holding be back from being myself and the person I want to be. 

Well enough about my rant about the tire around my waist. Its early in the morning and I need to get up in the morning to get a Sunday paper for my coupon obsession, which I have now addicted my Sister in law and Mother in law. I also have to pick up papers for them. 


How is everyone else doing?

Happy Blogging
~Diana Maria

How I feel right now.

This is EXACTLY how I feel right now. I feel music brings my feelings into words.

Wynonna: I Will Be 

 

Been caught in a downpour of a rain of stones
Felt like an exile in the world I had known
So I sought the shelter of my own soul
And stayed inside

I found no comfort in placing blame
I saw the hope that lay just beyond the pain
The past is a prison and I won't wear those chains
And I won't hide, oh no

I will be here
I will be strong
I'll face my fears
When the night is long
And still go on
I will be brave
I will be bold
Follow my faith
To a higher road
And I'm not there yet
But I will be

I could choose to keep my feet upon the beaten path
Never cross the open field for the one snake in the grass
But I'd rather risk my heart then never get the chance
To find my way, to find my way

I will be here
I will be strong
I'll face my fears
When the night is long
And still go on
I will be brave
I will be bold
Follow my faith
To a higher road
And I'm not there yet
But I will be

News was good then devastation came

So.. my news was that we never lost the baby when I thought I had miscarried. My hCG levels were over 2000. Last blood test I had before that was only in the 300s.  I bleed for 3 weeks so we assumed miscarriage and never did more blood work. I had severe pain one day (none since) and still had pregnancy symptoms so I took a hpt and it showed positive right away. Thats when I got blood work done and levels showed over 2000. We scheduled an ultrasound to get everything checked out make sure the baby was developing and in the right place.  

Well.... Baby was there. But not in the right place. It had attached to my left ovary. I have an ectopic pregnancy.  The Dr at diagnostic imaging northwest that went over my u/s results called and reserved a room at the Emergency room for us and notified us we needed to go right away there was no time to wait as this is a life threatening pregnancy. 

We get to the emergency room I get blood drawn from one of the biggest needles I've ever had in me. Then of course that can't use that same spot for an IV so takes forever and a day to find a spot in my arm where they insist it must go. I explain you can't even see veins in my arm and they roll when you feel them. Luckily I found a way to actually find one by bending my wrist exposing the only vein that could even be attempted.  It went in with yet another large needle. Then I get poked and prodded. Asked a million questions that I had already answered twice before. We are left alone for a bit.. then the nurse comes back in and says the Dr wants a second IV line "in case" of surgery and a second medication has to go in. My question is wouldn't it be easier to wait until we find out if we are going that far until you attempt to stick me again?  Of course I didn't ask I just went with it. So attempt 1 in my hand where I prefer being stuck with needles.  It wouldn't go into my vein just around it. So end up getting in on the only other vein viewable on my arm which was on the inside of my forearm. Joy I can't move either arm comfortably due to IVs, I have a cardiac monitor on, and and oxygen thing on my finger, not to mention all the cords and lines that go with all those things. 

Treatment for ectopic pregnancy: Methotrexate shot.  One shot in each hip. Apparently this will stop the cell growth of baby over 4-6 weeks and will then absorb back into the body. If this fails, surgery. Ectopic pregnancy is very dangerous as it can rupture fallopian tubes or/and ovaries.

I truly feel like I lost this baby twice! Once when I thought I miscarried. And now I am losing baby again feeling so helpless as what my options were. Really I had no options.  I just wish something else could have been done to save the baby I wanted her/him so much! 

I am heartbroken but I have to stay strong as difficult as it is. 

We both feel as though we do so much for everyone else, those people still crap on us, and now life continues to crap on us as well. What did we do to deserve so much devastation in our lives? We are good people and would make amazing parents. I just don't understand it at all.

~Heartbroken

Has some good news..

I might have some good news.. well I've had some good news but to confirm the good news I'll wait until Friday to let you all know.  Life is definitely a roller coaster! Hopefully our coaster cart is going to stay heading up and not speed crashing down!

:)

Some good news would be nice wouldn't it?

Happy Blogging!!

~Diana

Didnt even know your name

Keep trying.. hurting now but healing will come....

I feel like yesterday I probably wrote my blog in anger. I had a doctors appointment today. I guess we have been playing trial and error and error seems to have favored us. Having PCOS messes with your body A LOT! We have figured out that I need assistance in sustaining a pregnancy. We know what gets me pregnant now (Clomid-fertility drug) Now to keep it I need to start taking Prometrium (progesterone) as soon as we find out we are pregnant again, and continue through the first trimester. So... I know I said we wouldn't be using any fertility meds for a while. Well it hurts me more not to try working towards our goal. I am taking a fertility break in May.. still inducing my period since I don't get those on my own. Then in June induce period and take Clomid again. I hope that we will get pregnant in June/July.

We are still hurting but there is healing, and we'll be stronger people in the end.  But right now I still feel so broken. I can't wait for the day that I will finally be able to hold my baby in my arms! I hope this day comes sooner than later.

~Diana

Miscarriage #2

I don't understand it nor will I ever.  How can I be blessed with babies and shortly after they start growing they pass? I feel like I keep getting wonderful news and my dreams are coming true then baam! the rug is pulled out from under my feet and I'm left on the floor in pain! We were 6 weeks along this time! My baby was growing what happened??  

Needless to say I'm heartbroken over losing my two babies in less than 6 months.

We won't be using any fertility medicine in the near future. If I get a period normally and we get pregnant naturally Thank God! But until we are ready to move on and try again it will just be my wonderful husband, me, and our cat! I wish we could afford adoption some how. Maybe in the future....

Life is cruel sometimes... I wonder if its my body that can't handle the pregnancies or if the babies aren't developing correctly. I just wish we had a chance...


~ Diana .......

~*Baby Names!!!!!*~

I know I just announced our wonderful news yesterday but I thought I'd share the names we have picked out. (I'm secretly hoping for a girl and twins!!)

Boy names- 1st Boy-Dakota Gregory (Kota), 2nd Boy- Barry Alder(haven't figured out his nickname)
Girl names- 1st Girl- September Lynn (Berlynn), 2nd Girl- Kaleena Maria (Kali) 

So I am concerned about spotting. I've been spotting since last tuesday (April 12), brownish and dark red prunish color.  In TOTAL it has filled one pad at most. I Know spotting is normal and as long as its not bright red (fresh blood) then everything should be okay. I just worry because of our previous miscarriage. So I called my dr office and explained to one of the nurses my concern and she set up a lab visit for me tomorrow to check my hcg levels just to ease my worry.  Hopefully it is progressing well.

I also have my first ob and limited (not sure what that means) ultrasound appointment on May 5th. My regular physician is a Nurse Practitioner so she cant handle my prenatal care. May 5th will be my last appointment with her on prenatal care. That saddens me, she is an awesome person and is so excited for us and our dreams that are coming true. I'm nervous to have a new physician that doesn't know my history like she does. 

But I can't wait to hear my hcg levels again and to see my little blob!!!! Keep me and my miracle in your prayers!! Thank you ladies!!


Happy Blogging,
Diana Maria 

PREGO!!

Yes the title of this blog is correct! We ARE PREGNANT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  About 5 weeks along now.  On Thursday April 14th I had some blood work done and got the results yesterday that my hcG levels were around 135.  Then had more blood work done yesterday and got the results today. My levels are over 300!!!!!!  Its so exciting everything seems better this time around! My pregnancy back in December the levels never got above 10 before we miscarried. Please keep me and my miracle in your prayers for a safe and healthy pregnancy. I have no morning sickness (yet!) Just tired, heavy abdomen feeling, sore bb's, and cravings for some hot wings!! 

This journey has been tough and I know its only just beginning another part of the journey. I am very ecstatic and hope everything will remain well. 

Keep us in your thoughts!!

Baby dust to those that are still trying!

Happy Blogging,

Diana Maria & Miracle baby!

So...

So I don't know how many people are actually following my infertility blog... most of the time I just write to get my thoughts and feelings out.  We attempted Clomid once again.  It has been almost 2 weeks since my last day of Clomid.  I detected ovulation with an OPK and hope the magic has happened.  Today I was actually nauseated from the smell of the pizza I was cooking.  I recall back in December when we were pregnant that I had a huge sensitivity to smells and that was really early in that pregnancy. So I told my hubby about that one.  Hopefully we are pregnant.  I'm trying not to get too excited about it though.  My mind tends to make me believe that I'm pregnant when in fact I'm not. Wish I could multiply as  much as others.. HAHA.


So... My best friend who lives in Arkansas is almost 5 weeks pregnant! I'm so happy for her but something sad is that she felt she couldn't tell me :(  I found out through Facebook!  It saddens me that my pain of my own infertility strikes her in almost the same way.  She didn't want me to feel pain in her joy.  That is sweet but I would have loved to hear it directly from her to me not from a post to everyone on facebook.  We talked about it today and everything is better.  I am very happy for her.  She has suffered more than a few miscarriages before finally delivering her beautiful daughter a little more than a year ago. It is a beautiful thing that she is able to have another.  I pray everything goes well in her pregnancy.  She is an amazing mother.  I am very proud I did not feel any jealousy when I found out.  She is my best friend, maybe that is why?  

I really hope that we are pregnant again.  I have been doing great in remembering to take my metformin and vitamins! I don't want to lose another baby so I'm doing everything possible just in case we are pregnant. Send some more baby dust my way!!




Thought I'd Share some pictures of the beautiful scenery in my area!  These are of Seattle, Fox Island, Olympics and Cascade mountain ranges.

Happy Blogging to you all!!!

Giving Clomid another try!

So since we don't have time to head up to Seattle Reproductive in the next month my regular physician has opted to try Clomid again! I'm excited!  I really hope it works for us since my body has had a break from the medication for a few months. I just started day one of ten days on Progesterone on March 1st. After I start my Period I will be able to begin Clomid at 50mg for 5 days. Clomid worked for us the first month I used it at 50mg but I think because I wasn't sure if I should continue Metformin in pregnancy I lost my baby because I wasn't taking it. I am doing everything right this time around!

Please please pray that this can work for us!  We are getting close to 4 years of trying with only one failed success (miscarriage).  I know we are still young but I want this more than anything in the world.  I want to feel complete!  I want my family to be whole!

On a happy note~! My 22nd birthday is in 4 days! (March 6) This past year FLEW by!  I can't believe I'll be 22! Some days I feel so much older than 21-22!! 

I sincerely hope this is the year for myself and all my infertile bloggers!  We deserve to have our miracles!  We want it so bad that we know we will make the best parents for any child because we've longed to have them for a while!

Passing some baby dust to you!  Be sure to return some to me!

Happy Blogging!!!

Diana Maria ♥♥♥

Follow up & Referral to Seattle Reproductive

So I had my follow up from my ultrasound today.  The woman had me worried for nothing.  Some things changed from my last ultrasound but nothing to have a huge concern for. My left ovary has decreased from 5mm to 4mm.  Doctor wants it back to 2mm though.  So no Clomid.  Hopefully I will get my period on my own. Also I had a cyst rupture so there is free fluid in or around my right ovary which is what has been causing me tremendous pain.  Maybe the ovary decreased in size  because the cyst ruptured?  Anyways serious amount of pain lately. :(  Also seems like there isn't much else my physician can do for us regarding infertility. So we have been referred to Seattle Reproductive. I'm not excited about it because I don't know what to expect from the appointments, and a new doctor makes me uncomfortable. Also when am I going to find the time for both my husband and I to be at the appointments together? I have the time but he has school. Just a new added stress that I'm completely not excited for! I just hope we will get our baby soon!

Worried!

Just got back from my ultrasound for my Ovaries.  It was different than any of the others I've had in the last few months. This time while she was doing the ultrasound she asked me all kinds of questions. While asking these questions she had an odd expression looking at the screen (I can't see the screen so I dont know what she is looking at).  She asked... Have you been pregnant before? Yes we were pregnant in December but miscarried at about 2 or 3 weeks. Did you have a D&C? No dr said it was too early in pregnancy to need one.  Have you been having any spotting or bleeding recently. No I havent.  You physician is a Nurse Practitioner right? Yes

I have never been asked any questions like this in any of the 6 or 7 ultrasounds I've had in the past few months.  Also after the ultrasound was done they go and talk to the radiologist to see if the images they got are all okay.  Every other time I have been it takes 2 to 3 mins.  This time it too 10+ mins before she came back!

I'm kinda worried.. I'll find out results about it on Tuesday.

Glory Baby by Watermark

Watermark/ Glory Baby

 

Glory baby you slipped away as fast as we could say baby…baby..
You were growing, what happened dear?
You disappeared on us baby…baby..
Heaven will hold you before we do
Heaven will keep you safe until we’re home with you…
Until we’re home with you… 

Miss you everyday
Miss you in every way
But we know there’s a
day when we will hold you
We will hold you
You’ll kiss our tears away
When we’re home to stay
Can’t wait for the day when we will see you
We will see you
But baby let sweet Jesus hold you
‘till mom and dad can hold you…
You’ll just have heaven before we do
You’ll just have heaven before we do 

Sweet little babies, it’s hard to
understand it ‘cause we’re hurting
We are hurting
But there is healing
And we know we’re stronger people through the growing
And in knowing-
That all things work together for our good
And God works His purposes just like He said He would…
Just like He said He would… 

BRIDGE:
I can’t imagine heaven’s lullabies
and what they must sound like
But I will rest in knowing, heaven is your home
And it’s all you’ll ever know…all you’ll ever know…

Wish me luck!

At 3:30pm I have my ultrasound appointment.  Wish I was going in to see a baby.. but I'll keep having to wish. This appointment is to check in on my right ovary size. Last month we had to take a break from fertility medicine because it was enlarged and my doctor was too concerned about any problems.  Hopefully it is back to normal so I can get back on Clomid.  It worked for us once hopefully it will work again and stick this time. I'll have my follow up appointment on Tuesday to find out what the next step is.  My doctor will try one more round of Clomid with us. If this round fails we are being referred to Seattle Reproductive Clinic.  Its a scary thought that it is so bad we are being referred to a clinic only for Infertility. :(  I hope this is our month.  I've been pretty diligent about taking my metformin to help control the amount of insulin around my ovaries.  Keeping my fingers crossed!

STILL

STILL

I've been waiting for you

For such a long time

You're always on my mind

And I'm lying awake

Most of the night

Waiting to hold you tight

Now that I do

And look at you

My heart is breaking

This can't be true

Lost you before I found you

Gone before you came

But I love you just the same

Missed you before I met you

On earth we never can

But in heaven we'll meet again

Close to my soul

Close to my heart

Right from the start

Lost in time, lost in space

Can't wait to see your face

Now that I do

And look at you

My heart is breaking

I know it's true

Lost you before I found you

Gone before you came

But I love you just the same

Missed you before I met you

On earth we never can

But in heaven we'll meet again

Sometimes I find myself wondering what to do

With this pain that I'm going through

But I know one day, God will take me away

And I'm coming home to you

And when I do

And look at you

My heart is healing

I know it's true

Lost you before I found you

Gone before you came

But I love you just the same

Missed you before I met you

On earth we never can

But in heaven we'll meet again

In heaven we'll meet again

Grab the Kleenex

I know I'm posting a lot today.. but get over it! Haha Sometimes a gal needs to blog I dont know who wrote this:

I thought of you and closed my eyes
And prayed to God today
I asked “What makes a Mother?”
And I know I heard Him say.

“A Mother has a baby”
This we know is true
“But God can you be a Mother,
When your baby’s not with you?”

“Yes, you can,” He replied
With confidence in His voice
“I give many women babies,
When they leave is not their choice.

Some I send for a lifetime,
And others for the day.
And some I send to feel your womb,
But there’s no need to stay.”

“I just don’t understand this God
I want my baby to be here.”
He took a deep breath and cleared His throat,
And then I saw the tear.

“I wish I could show you,
What your child is doing today.
If you could see your child’s smile,
With all the other children and say…

‘We go to Earth to learn our lessons,
Of love and life and fear.
My Mommy loved me oh so much,
I got to come strait here.

I feel so lucky to have a Mom,
Who had so much love for me.
I learned my lessons very quickly,
My Mommy set me free.

I miss my Mommy oh so much,
But I visit her every day.
When she goes to sleep,
On her pillow’s where I lay

I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek,
And whisper in her ear.
Mommy don’t be sad today,
I’m your baby and I’m here.’

“So you see my dear sweet ones,
your children are okay.
Your babies are born here in My home,
And this is where they’ll stay.

They’ll wait for you with Me,
Until your lesson’s through.
And on the day that you come home
they’ll be at the gates for you.

So now you see what makes a Mother,
It’s the feeling in your heart
it’s the love you had so much of
Right from the very start

Though some on earth may not realize,
you are a Mother.
Until their time is done.
They’ll be up here with Me one day
and know that you are the best one!”

"Slipped Away"

Song by Avril Lavigne

"Slipped Away"

Na na, na na na, na na
I miss you, miss you so bad
I don't forget you, oh it's so sad
I hope you can hear me
I remember it clearly

The day you slipped away
Was the day I found it won't be the same
Oh

Na na na na na na na

I didn't get around to kiss you
Goodbye on the hand
I wish that I could see you again
I know that I can't

Oh
I hope you can hear me cause I remember it clearly

The day you slipped away
Was the day I found it won't be the same
Oh

I had my wake up
Won't you wake up
I keep asking why
And I can't take it
It wasn't fake
It happened, you passed by

Now you are gone, now you are gone
There you go, there you go
Somewhere I can't bring you back
Now you are gone, now you are gone
There you go, there you go,
Somewhere you're not coming back

The day you slipped away
Was the day I found it won't be the same no..
The day you slipped away
Was the day that I found it won't be the same oh...

Na na, na na na, na na
I miss you

I Wonder

I wonder who you were?
I wonder what your personality would have been like?
I wonder if you would have looked like me?
I wonder alot of things...like why? and when?
But there are some things I don't wonder...because I know.
Like how much I already loved you. I don't doubt God, not at all.
I just wonder how it would of felt to hold you in my arms...but it's okay because now I know your in the arms of Someone who loved you even more.
Life is so short, yours had just begun, not out of the womb yet but you were already a "someone".
I know God is my strength right now because without Him I just couldn't go on. But now I'll take life...NEW life, at the time of conception-not for granted!
It's all a true miracle that only God decides.
Thank you God for creating a little miracle inside of me and even though its time was very short...it was still my little miracle nonetheless.

*(For you my little miracle, I will see you one day...)*

I stole this from one of my fellow Infertility bloggers! But of course I changed it to fit my life.

-If you talk in TTC acronyms nobody except people on the internet understand.

-If you’ve ever seen a blank ultrasound screen.

-If you know what a cootercam is and you have an intimate relationship with one another.

-If you have ever found out someone else is pregnant and had a good cry.

-If you have watched someone go through more than 1 entire cycle of pregnancy in the same time you’ve been TTC.

-If you have ever heard “just relax” or “it’s not your time” or “it’s not God’s will”.

-If you dread holidays because you cannot announce a pregnancy to your family.

-If you dread holidays because there are no children to share them with.

-If you have ever held a baby or child and quietly pretended for a second that they’re yours.

-If you have ever walked all the way around the store in order to avoid the baby/toddler section.

-If you imagine picking out clothes from the baby/toddler section for your imaginary child.

-If you’ve ever had to go IN the baby/toddler section of a store in order to buy something for someone else’s baby.

-If you’ve ever yelled out during watching a movie or tv show about someone who’s trying for a baby, “That’s SO not realistic!”

-If you’ve ever sat around with a group of women who shared birth stories and labor pains and felt like you didn’t fit in. But you could go on about the pain of trying to get pregnant and that you envy there labor pains or terrible trimesters.

-If you’ve ever told anyone you are infertile and they’re response was, “That sucks. I’m super fertile! All my husband has to do is just look at me!”

-If a fertile person ever told you that they would be your surrogate because they have no problem getting pregnant.

-If you know what an RE is.

-If you have ever checked to see if your cervical mucus was eggwhite or clear, or could stretch 5 inches between your fingers and you know people in the next stall over are thinking, “WTF is she doing in there?”

-If you were disappointed that you couldn’t find any cm.

-If you have kept a HPT or OPK in your purse to use when you were at work or out just in case.

-If you have a secret baby stash hanging in a closet ready for a boy or a girl or maybe both.

-If you bought a ton of baby stuff for your best friend from out of state and her 8 month old to visit for 2 weeks. 

-If you can’t wait to see the peak symbol.

-If you laugh when people tell you to use pillows under your butt after sex as if you didn’t already try that.

-If you have picked out crib bedding or nursery decor online and you’re not pregnant.

-If you have ever felt panic when seeing a pregnant lady.

-If you play ‘Count the Pregnant Women’ while at the mall.

-If you already have a nursery planned out and all the items you need in order to bring a baby home.

This is to remind you to speak up the next time someone gives you fertility assvice, you are not alone.

Who Am I?

Who am I?
That the Lord of all the earth,
Would care to know my name,
Would care to feel my hurt.
Who am I?
That the bright and morning star,
Would choose to light the way,
For my ever wandering heart.

Bridge:
Not because of who I am,
But because of what you've done.
Not because of what I've done,
But because of who you are.

Chorus:
I am a flower quickly fading,
Here today and gone tomorrow,
A wave tossed in the ocean,
A vapor in the wind.
Still you hear me when I'm calling,
Lord, you catch me when I'm falling,
And you've told me who I am.
I am yours.
I am yours.

Who am I?
That the eyes that see my sin
Would look on me with love
And watch me rise again.
Who am I?
That the voice that calmed the sea,
Would call out through the rain,
And calm the storm in me.

Not because of who I am,
But because of what you've done.
Not because of what I've done,
But because of who you are.


I am a flower quickly fading,
Here today and gone tomorrow,
A wave tossed in the ocean,
A vapor in the wind.
Still you hear me when I'm calling,
Lord, you catch me when I'm falling,
And you've told me who I am.
I am yours.

Not because of who I am,
But because of what you've done.
Not because of what I've done,
But because of who you are.


I am a flower quickly fading,
Here today and gone tomorrow,
A wave tossed in the ocean,
A vapor in the wind.
Still you hear me when I'm calling,
Lord, you catch me when I'm falling,
And you've told me who I am.
I am yours.
I am yours.
I am yours.

Whom shall I fear
Whom shall I fear
Cause I am yours..
I am yours..

Lyrics to an amazing song by Ginny Owens "If you want me to"

The pathway is broken

And The signs are unclear

And I don't know the reason why You brought me here

But just because You love me the way that You do

I'm gonna walk through the valley

If You want me to

Chorus:

Cause I'm not who I was

When I took my first step

And I'm clinging to the promise You're not through with me yet

so if all of these trials bring me closer to you

Then I will walk through the fire

If You want me to

It may not be the way I would have chosen

When you lead me through a world that's not my home

But You never said it would be easy

You only said I'd never go alone

ya oh oh no

So When the whole world turns against me

And I'm all by myself

And I can't hear You answer my cries for help

I'll remember the suffering Your love put You through

And I will go through the valley If You want me to



I took this picture on Mt Rainier here in Washington. This Valley is beautiful!

When?

When?

When do I stop?

When do I realize it's enough?

Why does it have to be me

who has it so tough?

There are many out there

who are evil and perverse.

Yet do You burden them

with an infertility curse?

A 16 year old delivers

a healthy baby boy

then throws him in the garbage

like some old broken toy.

A drug addict

has 3 beautiful little ones

and beats them black and blue

for nothing they have done.

A worn-out woman

with already more than she can bear

sighs disappointingly

when she sees two lines are there.

God give me one, just one

to cherish all my days

And I promise that to You I'll give

all glory, credit and praise.

Make it stop

this intense longing and fear.

Please give me a child

that I can hold near!

Aching Pain

What do they see when they look at me,

       a girl with beauty and a smile on her face

       or a girl who is nothing but a sheer disgrace.

I'm the girl who covers her face with a mask,

       a mask that conceals my true complexion,

       without the mask it would like like an infection.

Inside this girl is an aching pain, 

       she longs to be a mother but the pcos is to blame.

       so longs to be free from pain and for once to be happy again.

The Great Pretender

The great pretender

    Shopping around and having fun,
    Little shoes and hats for the sun...
    Wrapped in pink or baby blue,
    But none for me... All for you.

    Tiny shoes, she'll be in style,
    When I see them I give you a smile.
    But it tears my heart in two...
    Still none for me... all for you.

    I rub your bellies when you come around,
    Pretending all day that I'm not feeling down.
    I'll never let you see the truth...
    It hurts to know it's all for you.

    I pray everyday up to Him,
    "Please know I'm happy for them,
    But there is no other lesson to learn.
    When, dear God, will it be my turn?"

If you want me to

The pathway is broken
And The signs are unclear
And I don't know the reason why You brought me here
But just because You love me the way that You do
I'm gonna walk through the valley
If You want me to
 

Cause I'm not who I was
When I took my first step
And I'm clinging to the promise You're not through with me yet
so if all of these trials bring me closer to you
Then I will walk through the fire
If You want me to

It may not be the way I would have chosen
When you lead me through a world that's not my home
But You never said it would be easy
You only said I'd never go alone

So When the whole world turns against me
And I'm all by myself
And I can't hear You answer my cries for help
I'll remember the suffering Your love put You through
And I will go through the valley If You want me to

Enlarged ovary!

So after 2 months of Clomid and this past months ultrasound my dr has told me my right ovary has enlarged to 5.0 (mm or cm I'm not sure which it is suppose to be) which is borderline to be too enlarged. This is because of the Clomid.  So we have to take a break from it this month and after getting it checked out again next month hopefully we will be able to use it again.  Maybe my body needs a break from all these drugs?  My husband and I were talking about it before the doctors office called.  We feel we needed to take a break because its just getting too stressful and not fun like it use to be.  Just seems like a job now.  But I'll still track to see if I'm ovulating without the meds.  Hope my body starts working soon.  This isn't how anything was suppose to be.  Infertility sucks for us all!!

~Diana

UGH!!! Disappointed!

If you follow my blog you know that we have been TTC (Trying to Conceive).  I went to my doctor today for follow up on Clomid.  Hoping to get results that I was pregnant.  Although it may have been a bit to early to tell.  The vampires got my blood ran it through labs and called me this evening to tell me the test was negative but want me back in to test again next week. Well of course being on progesterone to help fluff my lining in case I fell pregnant.  If I didnt fall pregnant AF would show her ugly head!  Dr mentioned my period would be due any day now if that was the case.  Guess who showed up tonight?  Now I've got some annoying weakness (I usually get this anemic feeling instead of cramps.) But I guess its on to try again!  I have to call my dr tomorrow give her the bad news (she is just as anxious about trying to get us pregnant as we are! I love my dr she is amazing!) So I'll call and ask about getting a RX for Clomid again this month.  Whats next a triple dose?  I really thought after getting pregnant last month this month would be easier, but of course not!  Needless to say I feel like a failure again this month.  How much longer can this go on?  Its upsetting. I guess its a part of life.  Its amazing how easy it is for a 15 year old to get pregnant and not someone who is ready at 21. I know 21 (22 in march)is still a young age but my husband and I have been married for over 3 1/2 years and we are beyond ready. We have both been told by several people that we would make amazing parents.  We both already agree on our parenting styles and will raise our kids to be respectful and good.  What have we done for it to be this hard?  I just wish this was easier for us all.  Infertility really sucks!  Why has God made our bodies turn against us?  That is a question I wish was answered. Or is it something we have done?  Truly all these woman longing to love their babies that they may never meet have not done something so horrible that that wish in life has been taken away!

On the bright side of life before I got news of AF's visit... We got SNOW finally after its been forcasted all week!  Its only a little bit of snow. But I went out and made a snow couple.  If I was talented enough I would have made a little snow cat to go with it!


Happy Blogging!


~Diana Maria

Wish me Luck and lots of baby dust!

Tomorrow I have a Doctor appointment. 

Will most likely get blood work done to check my hCG levels.  I have pregnancy symptoms again this month. 

Hopefully if we are pregnant we will not miscarry.  I also pray that my levels are a lot higher than last month.  I want everything to run smoothly.  I hope that I will not be disappointed in what I hear.  

I was sure of pregnancy last month and my instinct was right. Although unfortunately the inevitable accord.  I feel even stronger about it this month.

  It sucks that I have to go by myself though.  

My husband and I are 24/7 365 caregivers for his grandmother who had a stroke September 2009.  Since it is difficult to get her out of the house and my appointment is late morning I must go alone. :(  Luckily its just to be poked by the vampires. HaHa In the future when we find out we are indeed pregnant I will not be going alone.  :) 

I will update when I hear back. 

This time we are not telling anyone we personally know until about 3 months.  We want to be near safe zone before we give or have heartache again.

WISH ME LUCK!!!!

~Diana Maria

Could this be it again?

So I am having a few of the same symptoms I had last month when we were pregnant before we miscarried.  Sore breasts, incredibly painful nipples, stretchy cervical mucus. The sore breasts and nipples stand out most to  me because I had a terrible time with it last month.  It hurt to wear a bra and I would have to strip it off as soon as we were home! My husband has also noted a difference in them again.  He even says they look painful.  I really am hoping that this is another pregnancy. I am just worried about losing another baby.  We have been trying to get pregnant for almost 4 years now.  Finally got pregnant last month but of course miscarried.

I worry if my mind is just tricking me.  But seriously my breasts are sore. Could it really have been this easy again to get pregnant?  Is Clomid what my body needs to get pregnant? I hope it really is just that easy. This is our second month of Clomid.  I really pray that we are pregnant!  I want this hole to be filled.  I want my family! I want to be happier than I have ever been.  I don't want to be depressed or feel like a failure month after month......


~Diana Maria