Thursday, December 6, 2012

Back to blogging

Back to blogging... So I haven't been on here since April of 2012.  Its been a hard year and no active TTC. We were pretty devastated after losing 2 babies so we didn't try fertility medicine at all this year.

 I was reading my blog today to find out how many cycles of Clomid we've done and how successful its been for us. Our first Clomid cycle was November 2010 and we got pregnant but it ended in miscarriage. We had a 2nd cycle in December 2010. We had our 3rd cycle in March 2011 and got pregnant. We originally though we miscarried but in fact it was an ectopic pregnancy that had to be medically ended. Our 4th cycle of Clomid was in November 2011. So 2 out of 4 cycles have resulted in pregnancy. 

We are about to start our 5th cycle of Clomid and I am extremely hopeful that the outcome will be pregnancy. We have a plan in place with our dr to sustain a pregnancy with extra progesterone for the first trimester. I will also be treated high risk which just assures me and more checking up on baby. I've lost about 30lbs so hopefully that will help me out to sustain a pregnancy. We really won't tell anyone about a pregnancy until after the first trimester. We don't want to get hopes up and disappoint or have to break tragic news again. We've been married 5 1/2 years now and we have our lives traveling in the right direction. I hope the Lord will bless us with the child we dream of everyday.  

I am just going to be patient and if its God Willing we'll have our precious baby!

December Memories not December Memorials!

Well its December... that means a few memories of loss are upon me even more. We lost our first baby to a miscarriage on December 12, 2010 and Our second baby that we lost to an ectopic pregnancy would have been due December 17, 2011. I find things getting easier because I know one day I will hold a gorgeous, precious, sweet baby in my arms. But I will always remember the sweet babies I carried for a short time. One day we will see them again but for now I give thanks to my Lord for holding them in His hand!

Saturday, April 21, 2012

Update

So I know I haven't been on here in quite a while.  I've struggled a lot with losing our last baby. Especially because we had no choice in the decision as it was a risk to my own life. Still I wonder about her.  Due December 17th She would have been about 4 months old now. I say she because my husband truly feels the baby was a girl. I think about her every day. I haven't broken down since December until now.... as I type this. I miss my baby and I wish I could hold her. But I now realize that she is in heaven and He got to hold her first. I just wonder if she'd have my eyes or if she'd have my husbands smile. I just wish I could hold her, kiss her, and snuggle with her. 


We have not actively (with medical help) been trying for a while. This loss took a huge toll on us both. Not only did we lose our baby but lost another piece of our hearts. I think we are just starting to heal.. almost a year later. I want to try again, I'm just terrified of adding another memorial date instead of a birth date. 


I am 23 now, Eric and I have been married for nearly 5 years. I never imagined having this much of a struggle starting a family. I've always thought by 5 years of marriage we'd have at least 2 kids and ready for a 3rd. 


I also keep getting this question "so when are you going to pop out a kid?" Then I have to explain that we've been trying for 5 years with success and then failure. 


I'm really at a lost for words of what else to add here. I just keep thinking about her, and with my hubby out of town I'm feeling pretty blue. The pain is just too much... But I know I'll have my joy someday. I just wish someday was today.




~Diana Maria