Saturday, April 21, 2012

Update

So I know I haven't been on here in quite a while.  I've struggled a lot with losing our last baby. Especially because we had no choice in the decision as it was a risk to my own life. Still I wonder about her.  Due December 17th She would have been about 4 months old now. I say she because my husband truly feels the baby was a girl. I think about her every day. I haven't broken down since December until now.... as I type this. I miss my baby and I wish I could hold her. But I now realize that she is in heaven and He got to hold her first. I just wonder if she'd have my eyes or if she'd have my husbands smile. I just wish I could hold her, kiss her, and snuggle with her. 


We have not actively (with medical help) been trying for a while. This loss took a huge toll on us both. Not only did we lose our baby but lost another piece of our hearts. I think we are just starting to heal.. almost a year later. I want to try again, I'm just terrified of adding another memorial date instead of a birth date. 


I am 23 now, Eric and I have been married for nearly 5 years. I never imagined having this much of a struggle starting a family. I've always thought by 5 years of marriage we'd have at least 2 kids and ready for a 3rd. 


I also keep getting this question "so when are you going to pop out a kid?" Then I have to explain that we've been trying for 5 years with success and then failure. 


I'm really at a lost for words of what else to add here. I just keep thinking about her, and with my hubby out of town I'm feeling pretty blue. The pain is just too much... But I know I'll have my joy someday. I just wish someday was today.




~Diana Maria