I stole this from one of my fellow Infertility bloggers! But of course I changed it to fit my life.

-If you talk in TTC acronyms nobody except people on the internet understand.

-If you’ve ever seen a blank ultrasound screen.

-If you know what a cootercam is and you have an intimate relationship with one another.

-If you have ever found out someone else is pregnant and had a good cry.

-If you have watched someone go through more than 1 entire cycle of pregnancy in the same time you’ve been TTC.

-If you have ever heard “just relax” or “it’s not your time” or “it’s not God’s will”.

-If you dread holidays because you cannot announce a pregnancy to your family.

-If you dread holidays because there are no children to share them with.

-If you have ever held a baby or child and quietly pretended for a second that they’re yours.

-If you have ever walked all the way around the store in order to avoid the baby/toddler section.

-If you imagine picking out clothes from the baby/toddler section for your imaginary child.

-If you’ve ever had to go IN the baby/toddler section of a store in order to buy something for someone else’s baby.

-If you’ve ever yelled out during watching a movie or tv show about someone who’s trying for a baby, “That’s SO not realistic!”

-If you’ve ever sat around with a group of women who shared birth stories and labor pains and felt like you didn’t fit in. But you could go on about the pain of trying to get pregnant and that you envy there labor pains or terrible trimesters.

-If you’ve ever told anyone you are infertile and they’re response was, “That sucks. I’m super fertile! All my husband has to do is just look at me!”

-If a fertile person ever told you that they would be your surrogate because they have no problem getting pregnant.

-If you know what an RE is.

-If you have ever checked to see if your cervical mucus was eggwhite or clear, or could stretch 5 inches between your fingers and you know people in the next stall over are thinking, “WTF is she doing in there?”

-If you were disappointed that you couldn’t find any cm.

-If you have kept a HPT or OPK in your purse to use when you were at work or out just in case.

-If you have a secret baby stash hanging in a closet ready for a boy or a girl or maybe both.

-If you bought a ton of baby stuff for your best friend from out of state and her 8 month old to visit for 2 weeks. 

-If you can’t wait to see the peak symbol.

-If you laugh when people tell you to use pillows under your butt after sex as if you didn’t already try that.

-If you have picked out crib bedding or nursery decor online and you’re not pregnant.

-If you have ever felt panic when seeing a pregnant lady.

-If you play ‘Count the Pregnant Women’ while at the mall.

-If you already have a nursery planned out and all the items you need in order to bring a baby home.

This is to remind you to speak up the next time someone gives you fertility assvice, you are not alone.

Who Am I?

Who am I?
That the Lord of all the earth,
Would care to know my name,
Would care to feel my hurt.
Who am I?
That the bright and morning star,
Would choose to light the way,
For my ever wandering heart.

Bridge:
Not because of who I am,
But because of what you've done.
Not because of what I've done,
But because of who you are.

Chorus:
I am a flower quickly fading,
Here today and gone tomorrow,
A wave tossed in the ocean,
A vapor in the wind.
Still you hear me when I'm calling,
Lord, you catch me when I'm falling,
And you've told me who I am.
I am yours.
I am yours.

Who am I?
That the eyes that see my sin
Would look on me with love
And watch me rise again.
Who am I?
That the voice that calmed the sea,
Would call out through the rain,
And calm the storm in me.

Not because of who I am,
But because of what you've done.
Not because of what I've done,
But because of who you are.


I am a flower quickly fading,
Here today and gone tomorrow,
A wave tossed in the ocean,
A vapor in the wind.
Still you hear me when I'm calling,
Lord, you catch me when I'm falling,
And you've told me who I am.
I am yours.

Not because of who I am,
But because of what you've done.
Not because of what I've done,
But because of who you are.


I am a flower quickly fading,
Here today and gone tomorrow,
A wave tossed in the ocean,
A vapor in the wind.
Still you hear me when I'm calling,
Lord, you catch me when I'm falling,
And you've told me who I am.
I am yours.
I am yours.
I am yours.

Whom shall I fear
Whom shall I fear
Cause I am yours..
I am yours..

Lyrics to an amazing song by Ginny Owens "If you want me to"

The pathway is broken

And The signs are unclear

And I don't know the reason why You brought me here

But just because You love me the way that You do

I'm gonna walk through the valley

If You want me to

Chorus:

Cause I'm not who I was

When I took my first step

And I'm clinging to the promise You're not through with me yet

so if all of these trials bring me closer to you

Then I will walk through the fire

If You want me to

It may not be the way I would have chosen

When you lead me through a world that's not my home

But You never said it would be easy

You only said I'd never go alone

ya oh oh no

So When the whole world turns against me

And I'm all by myself

And I can't hear You answer my cries for help

I'll remember the suffering Your love put You through

And I will go through the valley If You want me to



I took this picture on Mt Rainier here in Washington. This Valley is beautiful!

When?

When?

When do I stop?

When do I realize it's enough?

Why does it have to be me

who has it so tough?

There are many out there

who are evil and perverse.

Yet do You burden them

with an infertility curse?

A 16 year old delivers

a healthy baby boy

then throws him in the garbage

like some old broken toy.

A drug addict

has 3 beautiful little ones

and beats them black and blue

for nothing they have done.

A worn-out woman

with already more than she can bear

sighs disappointingly

when she sees two lines are there.

God give me one, just one

to cherish all my days

And I promise that to You I'll give

all glory, credit and praise.

Make it stop

this intense longing and fear.

Please give me a child

that I can hold near!

Aching Pain

What do they see when they look at me,

       a girl with beauty and a smile on her face

       or a girl who is nothing but a sheer disgrace.

I'm the girl who covers her face with a mask,

       a mask that conceals my true complexion,

       without the mask it would like like an infection.

Inside this girl is an aching pain, 

       she longs to be a mother but the pcos is to blame.

       so longs to be free from pain and for once to be happy again.

The Great Pretender

The great pretender

    Shopping around and having fun,
    Little shoes and hats for the sun...
    Wrapped in pink or baby blue,
    But none for me... All for you.

    Tiny shoes, she'll be in style,
    When I see them I give you a smile.
    But it tears my heart in two...
    Still none for me... all for you.

    I rub your bellies when you come around,
    Pretending all day that I'm not feeling down.
    I'll never let you see the truth...
    It hurts to know it's all for you.

    I pray everyday up to Him,
    "Please know I'm happy for them,
    But there is no other lesson to learn.
    When, dear God, will it be my turn?"

If you want me to

The pathway is broken
And The signs are unclear
And I don't know the reason why You brought me here
But just because You love me the way that You do
I'm gonna walk through the valley
If You want me to
 

Cause I'm not who I was
When I took my first step
And I'm clinging to the promise You're not through with me yet
so if all of these trials bring me closer to you
Then I will walk through the fire
If You want me to

It may not be the way I would have chosen
When you lead me through a world that's not my home
But You never said it would be easy
You only said I'd never go alone

So When the whole world turns against me
And I'm all by myself
And I can't hear You answer my cries for help
I'll remember the suffering Your love put You through
And I will go through the valley If You want me to

Enlarged ovary!

So after 2 months of Clomid and this past months ultrasound my dr has told me my right ovary has enlarged to 5.0 (mm or cm I'm not sure which it is suppose to be) which is borderline to be too enlarged. This is because of the Clomid.  So we have to take a break from it this month and after getting it checked out again next month hopefully we will be able to use it again.  Maybe my body needs a break from all these drugs?  My husband and I were talking about it before the doctors office called.  We feel we needed to take a break because its just getting too stressful and not fun like it use to be.  Just seems like a job now.  But I'll still track to see if I'm ovulating without the meds.  Hope my body starts working soon.  This isn't how anything was suppose to be.  Infertility sucks for us all!!

~Diana

UGH!!! Disappointed!

If you follow my blog you know that we have been TTC (Trying to Conceive).  I went to my doctor today for follow up on Clomid.  Hoping to get results that I was pregnant.  Although it may have been a bit to early to tell.  The vampires got my blood ran it through labs and called me this evening to tell me the test was negative but want me back in to test again next week. Well of course being on progesterone to help fluff my lining in case I fell pregnant.  If I didnt fall pregnant AF would show her ugly head!  Dr mentioned my period would be due any day now if that was the case.  Guess who showed up tonight?  Now I've got some annoying weakness (I usually get this anemic feeling instead of cramps.) But I guess its on to try again!  I have to call my dr tomorrow give her the bad news (she is just as anxious about trying to get us pregnant as we are! I love my dr she is amazing!) So I'll call and ask about getting a RX for Clomid again this month.  Whats next a triple dose?  I really thought after getting pregnant last month this month would be easier, but of course not!  Needless to say I feel like a failure again this month.  How much longer can this go on?  Its upsetting. I guess its a part of life.  Its amazing how easy it is for a 15 year old to get pregnant and not someone who is ready at 21. I know 21 (22 in march)is still a young age but my husband and I have been married for over 3 1/2 years and we are beyond ready. We have both been told by several people that we would make amazing parents.  We both already agree on our parenting styles and will raise our kids to be respectful and good.  What have we done for it to be this hard?  I just wish this was easier for us all.  Infertility really sucks!  Why has God made our bodies turn against us?  That is a question I wish was answered. Or is it something we have done?  Truly all these woman longing to love their babies that they may never meet have not done something so horrible that that wish in life has been taken away!

On the bright side of life before I got news of AF's visit... We got SNOW finally after its been forcasted all week!  Its only a little bit of snow. But I went out and made a snow couple.  If I was talented enough I would have made a little snow cat to go with it!


Happy Blogging!


~Diana Maria

Wish me Luck and lots of baby dust!

Tomorrow I have a Doctor appointment. 

Will most likely get blood work done to check my hCG levels.  I have pregnancy symptoms again this month. 

Hopefully if we are pregnant we will not miscarry.  I also pray that my levels are a lot higher than last month.  I want everything to run smoothly.  I hope that I will not be disappointed in what I hear.  

I was sure of pregnancy last month and my instinct was right. Although unfortunately the inevitable accord.  I feel even stronger about it this month.

  It sucks that I have to go by myself though.  

My husband and I are 24/7 365 caregivers for his grandmother who had a stroke September 2009.  Since it is difficult to get her out of the house and my appointment is late morning I must go alone. :(  Luckily its just to be poked by the vampires. HaHa In the future when we find out we are indeed pregnant I will not be going alone.  :) 

I will update when I hear back. 

This time we are not telling anyone we personally know until about 3 months.  We want to be near safe zone before we give or have heartache again.

WISH ME LUCK!!!!

~Diana Maria

Could this be it again?

So I am having a few of the same symptoms I had last month when we were pregnant before we miscarried.  Sore breasts, incredibly painful nipples, stretchy cervical mucus. The sore breasts and nipples stand out most to  me because I had a terrible time with it last month.  It hurt to wear a bra and I would have to strip it off as soon as we were home! My husband has also noted a difference in them again.  He even says they look painful.  I really am hoping that this is another pregnancy. I am just worried about losing another baby.  We have been trying to get pregnant for almost 4 years now.  Finally got pregnant last month but of course miscarried.

I worry if my mind is just tricking me.  But seriously my breasts are sore. Could it really have been this easy again to get pregnant?  Is Clomid what my body needs to get pregnant? I hope it really is just that easy. This is our second month of Clomid.  I really pray that we are pregnant!  I want this hole to be filled.  I want my family! I want to be happier than I have ever been.  I don't want to be depressed or feel like a failure month after month......


~Diana Maria